Your words are like knives...

Home

2009-11-03T04:41:30Z

I've been here for three months now, and it still feels as if I'm on this endless trip away from home. I understand "home" is something you have to create, it's not something you can just find. I still find myself writing Tucson and my old address whenever I need to fill out forms. I still type "Tucson.craig..." in the search book before I realize I'm actually across the country. Then I begin to watch the cursor move to the left as I begin to hit the backspace button. I think this move is much harder for me this time because I know it's more permanent. As much as I miss Tucson and as much I want to go back sometimes it would kind of be taking a step back. By the time I ever could move back everyone I know and care for the most probably wouldn't be there anymore. With everything said, I do feel I am growing a lot here. Slowly. I felt my last year in Tucson was a bit stagnant. Everything will become easier as I live each day, but today I miss Tucson. I miss my home.

je_suis_alle @ 2009-08-30T01:53:00

2009-08-30T06:03:27Z

I want to go home.

Changes

2009-02-08T22:59:08Z

So I am finally done taking everything in. I don't think I've gone through something so intense before. I can't even really explain it, but I've learned to accept my decision and embrace a new chapter into my life. I've been living the same life for so long. EVERYTHING around me is changing. Even my parents and brother are having to accept and embrace new changes into their lives. Soon nothing will ever be the same again. I'm happy, but I've grown too comfortable to my surrounding. I also stood up for myself for the for the first time ever. I mean really, really stood up for myself. Although my hands were shaking uncontrollably when I did it, I've been completely anxiety free ever since. I will not tolerate being disrespected.

So yea... I am totally ready to take on and embrace my move to Seattle, no matter what happens when I get there.

je_suis_alle @ 2009-01-27T23:28:00

2009-01-28T07:12:07Z

My emotions have not settled at all since my decision to move. I find that it's becoming harder and harder to detach myself from this city and everything I find valuable in it. This weekend was just so fun because so many people were in town, but I know it's not always going to be like that here. It felt so great though. If it was always like that, I'd never leave to be honest. I have such great friends and family here. I love my job. I've put so much work into school. Now I'm going to have to start all over. I'm scared. Half of me wants to stay and the other half wants to go. I've just wanted to burst into tears everyday, but I haven't been able to. I'm so afraid I'm going to have to work to live once I move. That's what it was like when I tried living on my own. I don't want to have to struggle. I need to stop worrying so much. It's not going to help me at all. I'm going to try very hard to stay positive and only hope for the best once I move. A few years ago I probably would of isolated myself while feeling the way I do right now. But now, I just want to be around friends and comforted. I'm definitely going to need them around once I move. My friends are going to be my family. I'm trying to hold on to the desire I felt while I was in Seattle to live there and the desire to return right after I left. I have to at least find out what it is. This is what I've been wanting to do for awhile now. If things don't work out in Seattle, I can always come home. I don't think returning home would make me a failure. At least I can say I tried out something I've been wondering about for quite sometime, right?

je_suis_alle @ 2009-01-22T01:29:00

2009-01-22T09:03:48Z

I'm still having a hard time taking in everything. Everything I do throughout my day just feels so intense. The thought that I will for sure be out of my familiar settings within a few months seems so unreal to me. I'm leaving everything that I love behind. Tucson is my home. It's what I know. I thought telling my parents would make me feel better, but it hasn't. Trust me, this is what I want, it's just a lot to deal with. I've gone through hard transitions before, but this has barely started and I'm already feeling overwhelmed. I think I partially feel overwhelmed with work. I've been working nonstop since I've been back. I didn't feel fully relaxed until the last week of my vacation and now I feel tense all over again. I'm on call all day tomorrow, and I just really hope I don't get called in. I just want a day to chill. A day with friends would be cool. I've had to miss out on a lot with friends because of my job. Unfortunately, I need it badly and I'm holding on to it with dear life. A lot of people have been fired lately. I'm just happy I still have mine. My life will mostly consist of sleep and work until Seattle. However, I'm really going to have to find a balance between it all for my family/friends and most importantly myself. I'm in a really good place with myself right now. Losing my mind is the last thing I want before leaving!

Breaking away.

2009-01-17T05:52:51Z

I've made a decision that's going to change my life drastically. I've eliminated everything in my life that could possibly distract me from changing my mind. I have many constant reminders throughout the day to help me keep on track. I am putting many things in my life on hold, but I'll eventually be able to resume them. Maybe it's not what I should be doing, but then why does it feel so right? I never even thought about that about that until now. I'm scared shitless...

Losses

2008-12-03T00:57:59Z

So some things in my life are going well, then others are going pretty shitty. My parents may be forced to close one of our stores. We already closed our body shop and our house is for sale. We probably won't be able to sell it for what it's really worth in order to pay off a bunch of loans. The restaurant I work for has been threatening to fire people if we don't do better with up selling since the sales are low. If I hear my manager tell us we're going though "hard economic times" one more time, I'm going to scream. We all know! It's been getting to me a lot more than usual these past two weeks. They definitely haven't been easy. I guess I'm just lucky I'm in a situation where I don't have to worry about rent and I can just concentrate on school. I refuse to move out. I wouldn't survive a week with the money I'm making at my job. :/ I'd have to work doubles every day of the week to make it. I'm gonna have to try a little bit harder even though I've already been working my ass off. It'll get easier next semester. Yes, I'll be going to school full time, but I won't have to work as much.

Well on the bright side... only a few more weeks till Seattle baby. :)

Halloween

2008-10-31T16:12:30Z

I feel I've learned more about myself in the past two weeks than I have throughout the entire year. I'm sure if I sat down and really thought about it that wouldn't be true, but it sure feels like it. I just now have a greater sense of how I handle myself in certain situation, how to calm myself, and most importantly what I deserve. I deserve a lot more than I give myself credit for.

Anyway, Happy Halloween! I have to go out and get a 70's outfit for work. What would you do if I was your server and came up to you with a big ass afro?? Ahahaha. This is gonna be fun. I also have to get more shit for my other costume tonight. Gah.

Ok. Peace!

Dreams

2008-10-26T06:39:56Z

I'm sick and tired of battling with myself on what I should do and what I want to do. I should stay here and finish school. It's easier. I have the comfort and support of my family. Ever since high school I've been saying I'm going to get out of Tucson one day, but never have I ever worked towards the one final day where I would actually say goodbye. Ever since I visited New York when I was 19, I've had this longing to live there. Around that time my passion for photography had already developed. My dream was to live in New York and become a famous photographer. This might sound stupid, but I wanted to be bigger than Annie Leibovitz. Sometimes I felt it so deeply that it's what I had to do. For the first time in my life, I felt I had found my calling. Then about a year ago I over loaded myself with school and work. Photography wasn't fun anymore at that time. It felt like work because I had so many other things in my life I had to do. I didn't have the time I wished I did to complete my final projects. I still got an A, but the remarks I got on my final portfolio kind of hit me hard. Then I had applied for a scholarship for the next level photography class that honestly I didn't even want. I just wanted to see if I could get it, then when I didn't get it, it bruised my ego a little bit. Okay, a lot. Afterwards, I couldn't look at any kind of art the same. I felt I hated it. I couldn't handle the rejection. I guess you could say it was new to me, because every comment I had ever heard about my art was positive. The only time I ever heard something negative, was because I half assed my project. I need to learn to accept constructive criticism and learn from it. Anyone who's made it big in anything has gone through a shit load of rejection. I once heard an artist say at one of his gallery opening that you really have to be brave to be an artist. It's true. I just have to keep pushing forward. I remember on the last day of my photography class last year, one of my classmates told me never stop. I never seem to take people advice do I? Haha. Ya know, being a famous photographer is just a really big dream. I do tend to dream big, but I honestly would be happy if I could just make it as photographer and be able to provide for myself and my family if I ever have one. The way I feel about photography, I've never been able to feel that way about any other profession. I can picture myself doing many other things, but it just doesn't feel right. I'm still having a hard time looking at art or creating it. I think I just need to do it. I haven't done a photoshoot since May... FUCK. I could ramble on for hours. I'm sure there's tons of grammatical errors in this post, but I don't give a fuck. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. I just had to get this out there otherwise I felt like I was going to explode.

Progression

2008-10-12T23:42:28Z

I've been having thoughts of getting married and popping out kids this past month! A month ago this was the last thing on my mind! Now of course there is no chance of this happening anytime soon, but I just think it's funny. Honestly, the thought of marriage and family doesn't scare me like it used to. I said for years there was no way I was going to have kids, and if I did ever change my mind I was only going to adopt. If I was married by the time I was 25 and I popped out a little sucker a couple years later, I'd be okay with it. Actually it's what I'm hoping for, ha!

Everything has been becoming a little bit clearer lately. This is the first week after awhile that I feel really happy. Dealing with the depression on and off since March/April, hasn't made life easy. I really think things are going to start getting better from here. Not every period in our lives can be fantastic. You can't appreciate the good without the bad. :)

"No one can wake up one morning and know their purpose in life. You have to build up to it, brick by brick. And you have to save yourself, before you can save the world."

That quote is from Heroes, the best show ever!!! Anyway I think it's true and it's helped me a lot, heh. I'm living by that quote. Mmmhmm!

It Seems Endless

2008-09-19T08:35:45Z

Today is the first day in awhile I feel a bit... unstable? I feel so stressed about this election and the way the economy is spiraling down more and more each day. So many of my family member's and friend's of the family businesses are starting to go under. It's all I'm hearing about lately. The more I try to get a break from it, the more it seems to take over my mind. Did McCain really have the audacity to say, "The fundamentals of this economy are strong."??? Although he claims that statement was geared towards "American workers". Yea, okay. Someone please tell me some great things that man has done for this state, because I can't find a damn thing. I remember watching him on Conan awhile back promoting his cameo role in Wedding Crashers and ya know he was actually pretty funny. As far as his politics go though, no thanks.

It's disappointing that Obama has been struggling lately here in America. I read an article that he's favored by 49% of 22,500 people from 22 different countries and McCain was only favored by 12%. The rest were either indifferent or undecided. From the dumbass remark McCain made to all the scrutinizing news reports about Palin's teen daughter's pregnancy and the "troopergate" story, have all seemed to help Obama in the polls again though.

It's almost over, but until November 2, I should do something for the Obama campaign instead of sitting here crying about it. There's a music and art festival for Obama next weekend so I'm hoping to volunteer for that and I've been getting the word out about it as much as possible.

The way I see it, either three things will happen. First, Obama wins and hopefully he can turn this country around. Second, McCain wins and shit stays the same or gets even worse. Third, McCain wins, but falls over and dies (He's old and he's had cancer FOUR times already!) and then the first family is a bunch of Alaskan hillbillies. Then all hell will break lose.

Vague

2008-09-04T08:34:48Z

I look back at all my old vague entries and I can't even remember what the hell I was talking about.

I think my last one was "When is this going to end?".

Dummmmmmmmmmmmmmbbbb.

Ya know, it's a good thing I'm interested in this nutrition and human biology class, because man, there is a shit load of reading.

Well now this post is just random and dumb.

Har har.

I think my brain hurts.

Okay, goodnight.

Realizations

2008-09-01T03:22:23Z

My Mother turns the big 50 tomorrow. I must say she looks pretty damn good for her age. My friends were saying she was a babe at a BBQ I had at my house this summer. I always tease my dad he was one lucky fella and that's he's just a big balding butter ball, haha. I love the man though!

So, I've been watching the Weather Channel religiously as if Gustav was hitting my own hometown. I guess I feel some kind of connection to the Gulf Coast since I volunteered there and all. I just keep hoping Gustav won't be as horrible as Katrina or even worse. The Gulf Coast is a lot better prepared this time around, so that's a bit of relief. I may be spending another Spring Break there. Speaking of which, my team's picture is on the welcome home page of the ASB site. Heeelllls yeaaahh.

One last thing. Something happened in class this week. A feeling I had been fighting for quite a few months came on full force. I almost walked out of class. I realized I don't want to do art. I can't spend all MY money on a major I haven't been passionate about for so long. I love art, but not enough to make a career out of it. I was bored out of my mind in my classes. I was learning things I already knew, and I had a feeling it was going to be like that throughout the semester. I believe art can be a very vigorous and challenging major, but you have to love it, I mean really fucking love it to be successful at it. Usually whenever I'm about to take something on I ask myself if I'm doing it for the feeling I hope it brings me or am I'm doing it just to say I did. It was only to say I did. I wish I realized this sooner, but at least I'm realizing it before it was too late. I still have tons of ideas I want to get out on canvas, photo, etc. However, I want to do it for myself. I want something that will challenge me intellectually. Art just doesn't do it for me anymore. So I've canceled my loans, but I will go back next semester. I'm just going to take this semester to finish up two classes at Pima, work, and figure out what exactly I want to do. I finally feel okay with that for now. I'm smart and young. I'll figure it out.

First Day

2008-08-26T05:11:16Z

Ever think you keep seeing people you know whenever you travel to a new place? I've gotten that feeling quite a few times in my life and I got it today during my first day at the U of A. It was weird. It felt like a different city within my own town. I walked all over campus today just to get familiar with it. I've been on campus many times, but I never really ever payed attention to what was around me. It really is beautiful. Plus the weather was nice and mild since it was rainy so it made it pretty in joyable.

I met some chick in one of my art classes who looks and talks exactly like a girl Ellen I met in Mississippi, except this girl's name is Ellie. What the fuck?!

Oh, and I had to get my measles shot again for school since I couldn't find my immunization records. Okay, actually I was too lazy too look for them. HA.

P.S. Oh Lordy Lord... let the A/C get fixed soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self

2008-08-23T06:03:53Z

Since universities like to rape you up the ass for as much money as possible, I decided to buy a bike that I will be riding from the Pima downtown campus parking lot because parking there is FREE! I'll be saving myself $500 and I'll get a bit of exercise! HA... yea whateva, it's gonna suck!

I've been extremely active lately. It feels great. A big factor why I have been lately is because I stopped taking anti-depressants. I was on them for about a month and then I said fuck it. I can make myself happy. I've done it before. I realized I was becoming depressed a few months ago because I wasn't accepting the changes that were happening around me. I choose to deny what was happening and not adapt. Therefore, I suffered. Come to think of it, I started to realize this after I read a big ass bumper sticker that read "ADAPT OR SUFFER". Who would of thunk?!

So, I'm going through one of my phases where I don't like going to bars or staying out too late. I like waking up bright and early, drinking mah coffee, and getting on with whatever I happen to do through out the day and then passing out around midnight. It is getting in the way with some of my friendships and dating because most people I know do stay up until the wee hours of the night. Honestly, I don't know if I care right now. I'm tired of getting hit on by particular guy friends and I'm tired of hearing about the rivalry between particular female friends. Then again I choose to be very flirtatious and then sometimes I indulge in gossip. Both a little too much at times. So I'm going to lay low for a bit from certain scenes and just focus on myself. I think the greatest relationship we have is with our self anyway.

I'm going hiking tomorrow with my friend and our dogs on Mt. Lemmon to escape the heat. Heck yes!

Energy regained!

2008-08-18T17:43:44Z

So after a week of feeling like death I finally have my energy back! I'm back to a normal sleeping schedule and I'm no longer sleeping ridiculously long ass hours.

I finally got the rest of my student loan money. I'm in a very good mood today. :)

Now I can finally start rock climbing again!

Feelin' like death

2008-08-17T17:14:38Z

I hate this. I have been sleeping so much the past week. It starting ever since I had a sore throat, but that was my only other symptom. It's gone now, but now I'm sleeping even more. I was only awake probably 6 hours total yesterday. I feel like I'm dying or something! I want to feel normal again. :( I can't keep feeling like this. School starts soon! Ugh!

School

2008-08-13T02:12:52Z

I'm a bit nervous to be starting school in two weeks. I'll finally be going to the U of A full time. I'm starting there right after the semester I could of graduated if I had just kept up with school the past four years. Oh well. What can ya do. I'll be 25 by the time I graduate, but it's alright. I want to finish what I started.

Odd Days

2008-08-05T05:07:24Z

It's so hard watching a friend battle cancer and watching her lose everything that makes her a woman at such a young age. It makes all the complaining I've ever done over my thyroid problems and depression seem ridiculous. They're so minor over what's she going through. I just have to be thankful for everything I have. She's such an amazing woman and I hope she beats this.

Reinstatement

2008-07-25T03:12:38Z

Well, after it now being a year and two days since my last post I am now officially reinstating this journal. I'm not really sure why. I've been meaning to for the past couple of months, but it didn't seem right until now. No one really uses livejournal anymore, but oh well.

So what's new with me? I'm half way through my 22nd year on this earth and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. Yes, it bothers me. I'm in a process of figuring out what's important to me. I hope it doesn't take too long.

More to come.

je_suis_alle @ 2007-07-22T20:26:00

2007-07-23T03:26:50Z

This journal is kind of... retired!

je_suis_alle @ 2007-06-12T22:07:00

2007-06-13T05:07:17Z

When is this going to end?

Anyone a computer genius?! I need help!

2007-05-02T06:48:51Z

So I went to the Apple Store because my iPod hasn't been coming up on my computer and it Freezes the screen whenever I plug it in. It did the same thing at the store so they reformatted it on a Mac computer but with MS-DOS... or something. Then they plugged it back into the PC, then restored it for me. I come home, plug it in. It's working great. I start to sync all my music back on it. After about a minute my computer started making a clicking sound. Then the sound grew a little faster. I'm like WTF?? Then a blue screen pops up. I forgot what it said. I wasn't able to shutdown the computer so I had to unplug it. I turn it on and it says something different:

We apologize for the inconvenience, but Windows did not start successfully. A recent hardware or software change might have caused this.

If your computer stopped responding, restarted unexpectedly, or was automatically shut down to protect your files and folders, choose Last Known Good Configuration to revert to the most recent settings that worked.

If a previous startup attempt was interrupted due to a power failure or because the Power or Reset button was pressed, or if you aren't sure what caused the problem, choose Start Windows
Normally.

Safe Mode
Safe Mode with Networking
Safe Mode with Command Prompt

Last Known Good Configuration (your most recent settings that worked)
Start Windows Normally

Use the up and down arrow keys to move the highlight to your choice.

Seconds until Windows starts: 30

I tried every Mode but it just keeps coming back to that screen every 30 seconds. I have a feeling there's still some way I can backup all my files before I have to restore it. I have too much on my computer I cannot lose. Something told me to backup my files all week and I didn't. Blah.

So I looked through some forums and found someone who had the same problem as me. Then he figured out a way around it, but I'm not entirely too sure how to do it. This is what he did in his own words:

"Thanks for the support guys. To clarify Dell does give a repair option but I had lost the OEM disk they gave me so it didn't matter. I borrowed a Windows CD from a friend and downloaded knoppix. Then I downloaded a program to read the registry and used Wine (a windows exe emulator in linux) to execute the file. Surprisinly this worked and I could read my windows registry. I found my cd key and printed it out. Now it was time to back stuff up. I used the tar command to put the items I needed from my hard drive into a tar. I then uploaded this tar to my website. Now after I had backed up my files it was time to format. Now since Windows wanted to examine my 48 gigs for over 1.5 hours I decided it would be easier to just use a program named AutoClave to format. This program is a bootable linux floppy and it will write 0's over everything on your hard drive. This took about 5 hours. Now it was time to install windows. I put in the cd and boot to it. The setup started up and when I pressed enter it went right to the license agreement. This is something it didnt do before. I then could select the partition I wanted. It showed one unformated partition at which point I knew I would have to format the hard drive for windows. I knew the Windows format could take a while and after 4 days working at this computer trying everything before losing everything I was not in the mood for a formating of an empty hard drive to take hours. Luckily it only took about 15 minutes. Now it started to install windows. After 10 minutes it rebooted and after another 5 I could put in my serial number. Then it finished setup and Windows was back to normal."

I can't find my Windows XP CD so if someone could lend one to me so I can try this please let me know or if you know of another way for me to try and back up my files somehow please tell me!

I don't know what to title this...

2007-04-19T03:07:52Z

My grandpa suffered a massive stroke this morning. He's now in a coma. He's probably not going to wake up. It's a strange reality to be faced with. I've lost friends, but never a family member. It feels so different. I've always thought to myself how old I would be when a grand parent passed. Would they die when I was a child, when I was into my 20's, when I was married with a family? Three of my grandparents have had heart problems in that past month. I'm entering the next phase in my life where the possibility of them no longer being there is actually a reality.

I keep doing okay for an hour then I remember my grandpa may never wake up again. My mom is flying down to Wisconsin, which is where he is too see him. I'm not sure if the family will be keep him on life support much longer. If that's the case my family will flying to Wisconsin for his funernal next week. It's hard to even think about that.

I can say a million times I wish I knew him more, I wish I got to see him one last time, etc. Even if I did have the chance to do everything I wanted, nothing can ever prepare you for the death of a loved one. If you pray, pray for him. If you're not the praying kind, keep him in your thought. You don't know what an amazing man he IS.

Maybe a miracle will happen. Maybe he'll wake up...

je_suis_alle @ 2007-02-21T20:09:00

2007-02-22T04:09:58Z

I've got three friends that are celebrating their birthday's this weekend. Weeeee.