So I am finally done taking everything in. I don't think I've gone through something so intense before. I can't even really explain it, but I've learned to accept my decision and embrace a new chapter into my life. I've been living the same life for so long. EVERYTHING around me is changing. Even my parents and brother are having to accept and embrace new changes into their lives. Soon nothing will ever be the same again. I'm happy, but I've grown too comfortable to my surrounding. I also stood up for myself for the for the first time ever. I mean really, really stood up for myself. Although my hands were shaking uncontrollably when I did it, I've been completely anxiety free ever since. I will not tolerate being disrespected.

So yea... I am totally ready to take on and embrace my move to Seattle, no matter what happens when I get there.

My emotions have not settled at all since my decision to move. I find that it's becoming harder and harder to detach myself from this city and everything I find valuable in it. This weekend was just so fun because so many people were in town, but I know it's not always going to be like that here. It felt so great though. If it was always like that, I'd never leave to be honest. I have such great friends and family here. I love my job. I've put so much work into school. Now I'm going to have to start all over. I'm scared. Half of me wants to stay and the other half wants to go. I've just wanted to burst into tears everyday, but I haven't been able to. I'm so afraid I'm going to have to work to live once I move. That's what it was like when I tried living on my own. I don't want to have to struggle. I need to stop worrying so much. It's not going to help me at all. I'm going to try very hard to stay positive and only hope for the best once I move. A few years ago I probably would of isolated myself while feeling the way I do right now. But now, I just want to be around friends and comforted. I'm definitely going to need them around once I move. My friends are going to be my family. I'm trying to hold on to the desire I felt while I was in Seattle to live there and the desire to return right after I left. I have to at least find out what it is. This is what I've been wanting to do for awhile now. If things don't work out in Seattle, I can always come home. I don't think returning home would make me a failure. At least I can say I tried out something I've been wondering about for quite sometime, right?

I'm still having a hard time taking in everything. Everything I do throughout my day just feels so intense. The thought that I will for sure be out of my familiar settings within a few months seems so unreal to me. I'm leaving everything that I love behind. Tucson is my home. It's what I know. I thought telling my parents would make me feel better, but it hasn't. Trust me, this is what I want, it's just a lot to deal with. I've gone through hard transitions before, but this has barely started and I'm already feeling overwhelmed. I think I partially feel overwhelmed with work. I've been working nonstop since I've been back. I didn't feel fully relaxed until the last week of my vacation and now I feel tense all over again. I'm on call all day tomorrow, and I just really hope I don't get called in. I just want a day to chill. A day with friends would be cool. I've had to miss out on a lot with friends because of my job. Unfortunately, I need it badly and I'm holding on to it with dear life. A lot of people have been fired lately. I'm just happy I still have mine. My life will mostly consist of sleep and work until Seattle. However, I'm really going to have to find a balance between it all for my family/friends and most importantly myself. I'm in a really good place with myself right now. Losing my mind is the last thing I want before leaving!

I've made a decision that's going to change my life drastically. I've eliminated everything in my life that could possibly distract me from changing my mind. I have many constant reminders throughout the day to help me keep on track. I am putting many things in my life on hold, but I'll eventually be able to resume them. Maybe it's not what I should be doing, but then why does it feel so right? I never even thought about that about that until now. I'm scared shitless...

So some things in my life are going well, then others are going pretty shitty. My parents may be forced to close one of our stores. We already closed our body shop and our house is for sale. We probably won't be able to sell it for what it's really worth in order to pay off a bunch of loans. The restaurant I work for has been threatening to fire people if we don't do better with up selling since the sales are low. If I hear my manager tell us we're going though "hard economic times" one more time, I'm going to scream. We all know! It's been getting to me a lot more than usual these past two weeks. They definitely haven't been easy. I guess I'm just lucky I'm in a situation where I don't have to worry about rent and I can just concentrate on school. I refuse to move out. I wouldn't survive a week with the money I'm making at my job. :/ I'd have to work doubles every day of the week to make it. I'm gonna have to try a little bit harder even though I've already been working my ass off. It'll get easier next semester. Yes, I'll be going to school full time, but I won't have to work as much.

Well on the bright side... only a few more weeks till Seattle baby. :)

I feel I've learned more about myself in the past two weeks than I have throughout the entire year. I'm sure if I sat down and really thought about it that wouldn't be true, but it sure feels like it. I just now have a greater sense of how I handle myself in certain situation, how to calm myself, and most importantly what I deserve. I deserve a lot more than I give myself credit for.

Anyway, Happy Halloween! I have to go out and get a 70's outfit for work. What would you do if I was your server and came up to you with a big ass afro?? Ahahaha. This is gonna be fun. I also have to get more shit for my other costume tonight. Gah.

Ok. Peace!

I'm sick and tired of battling with myself on what I should do and what I want to do. I should stay here and finish school. It's easier. I have the comfort and support of my family. Ever since high school I've been saying I'm going to get out of Tucson one day, but never have I ever worked towards the one final day where I would actually say goodbye. Ever since I visited New York when I was 19, I've had this longing to live there. Around that time my passion for photography had already developed. My dream was to live in New York and become a famous photographer. This might sound stupid, but I wanted to be bigger than Annie Leibovitz. Sometimes I felt it so deeply that it's what I had to do. For the first time in my life, I felt I had found my calling. Then about a year ago I over loaded myself with school and work. Photography wasn't fun anymore at that time. It felt like work because I had so many other things in my life I had to do. I didn't have the time I wished I did to complete my final projects. I still got an A, but the remarks I got on my final portfolio kind of hit me hard. Then I had applied for a scholarship for the next level photography class that honestly I didn't even want. I just wanted to see if I could get it, then when I didn't get it, it bruised my ego a little bit. Okay, a lot. Afterwards, I couldn't look at any kind of art the same. I felt I hated it. I couldn't handle the rejection. I guess you could say it was new to me, because every comment I had ever heard about my art was positive. The only time I ever heard something negative, was because I half assed my project. I need to learn to accept constructive criticism and learn from it. Anyone who's made it big in anything has gone through a shit load of rejection. I once heard an artist say at one of his gallery opening that you really have to be brave to be an artist. It's true. I just have to keep pushing forward. I remember on the last day of my photography class last year, one of my classmates told me never stop. I never seem to take people advice do I? Haha. Ya know, being a famous photographer is just a really big dream. I do tend to dream big, but I honestly would be happy if I could just make it as photographer and be able to provide for myself and my family if I ever have one. The way I feel about photography, I've never been able to feel that way about any other profession. I can picture myself doing many other things, but it just doesn't feel right. I'm still having a hard time looking at art or creating it. I think I just need to do it. I haven't done a photoshoot since May... FUCK. I could ramble on for hours. I'm sure there's tons of grammatical errors in this post, but I don't give a fuck. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. I just had to get this out there otherwise I felt like I was going to explode.

I've been having thoughts of getting married and popping out kids this past month! A month ago this was the last thing on my mind! Now of course there is no chance of this happening anytime soon, but I just think it's funny. Honestly, the thought of marriage and family doesn't scare me like it used to. I said for years there was no way I was going to have kids, and if I did ever change my mind I was only going to adopt. If I was married by the time I was 25 and I popped out a little sucker a couple years later, I'd be okay with it. Actually it's what I'm hoping for, ha!

Everything has been becoming a little bit clearer lately. This is the first week after awhile that I feel really happy. Dealing with the depression on and off since March/April, hasn't made life easy. I really think things are going to start getting better from here. Not every period in our lives can be fantastic. You can't appreciate the good without the bad. :)

"No one can wake up one morning and know their purpose in life. You have to build up to it, brick by brick. And you have to save yourself, before you can save the world."

That quote is from Heroes, the best show ever!!! Anyway I think it's true and it's helped me a lot, heh. I'm living by that quote. Mmmhmm!

Today is the first day in awhile I feel a bit... unstable? I feel so stressed about this election and the way the economy is spiraling down more and more each day. So many of my family member's and friend's of the family businesses are starting to go under. It's all I'm hearing about lately. The more I try to get a break from it, the more it seems to take over my mind. Did McCain really have the audacity to say, "The fundamentals of this economy are strong."??? Although he claims that statement was geared towards "American workers". Yea, okay. Someone please tell me some great things that man has done for this state, because I can't find a damn thing. I remember watching him on Conan awhile back promoting his cameo role in Wedding Crashers and ya know he was actually pretty funny. As far as his politics go though, no thanks.

It's disappointing that Obama has been struggling lately here in America. I read an article that he's favored by 49% of 22,500 people from 22 different countries and McCain was only favored by 12%. The rest were either indifferent or undecided. From the dumbass remark McCain made to all the scrutinizing news reports about Palin's teen daughter's pregnancy and the "troopergate" story, have all seemed to help Obama in the polls again though.

It's almost over, but until November 2, I should do something for the Obama campaign instead of sitting here crying about it. There's a music and art festival for Obama next weekend so I'm hoping to volunteer for that and I've been getting the word out about it as much as possible.

The way I see it, either three things will happen. First, Obama wins and hopefully he can turn this country around. Second, McCain wins and shit stays the same or gets even worse. Third, McCain wins, but falls over and dies (He's old and he's had cancer FOUR times already!) and then the first family is a bunch of Alaskan hillbillies. Then all hell will break lose.

I look back at all my old vague entries and I can't even remember what the hell I was talking about.

I think my last one was "When is this going to end?".

Dummmmmmmmmmmmmmbbbb.

Ya know, it's a good thing I'm interested in this nutrition and human biology class, because man, there is a shit load of reading.

Well now this post is just random and dumb.

Har har.

I think my brain hurts.

Okay, goodnight.